Is Compassion and Kindness the same thing?

One subject that we Mindfulness practitioners are often asked about is Compassion and Kindness. It is something that is often associated with spirituality and mindful living, so I thought I’d share my thoughts on the subject.

Compassion is best defined as having concern and sympathy for the suffering of others. It is very different from being kind, it requires a level of self awareness that enables you to see beyond your own pain. Kindness on the other hand is the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.

The challenge for those of us who are in a “caring” role or that are practising Buddhists is that people expectation us to always be kind, caring and compassionate. Whilst that is our aspiration, it isn’t always possible to step out of the ordinary human habit to be kind and compassionate at all times, we are just ordinary beings after all.

Compassion requires Wisdom

“Idiot compassion” is a term that the Tibetan Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche used to describe the type of compassion that is absent of wisdom. Another great Tibetian Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron puts it this way:

Idiot compassion refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it’s what’s called enabling. It’s the general tendency to give people what they want because you can’t bear to see them suffering.

Compassion is giving someone what they need not what they want.

I felt compelled to write this short post because after working in a school for a while, it suddenly hit me what we are doing wrong, it is idiot compassion. We are not preparing children for the real world, we are not giving them what they need, we are giving them what they want and this is harmful in the long term and certainly not preparing them for real life.

In today’s society we chase all the pleasures and luxuries, avoiding any discomfort and hardship, even though life is surely a mixture of good, bad and ugly. We spend much of our lives running away from the unavoidable, instead of preparing ourselves for real life, one that is constantly changing and full of the unexpected. Life is just moments of joy with a mix of disaster!

As parents and teachers, should we not be giving our children the tools to deal with all that life will throw at them? Doesn’t real compassion mean we have to sometimes let our children and loved ones experience pain? How else will they be able to live a healthy life if they are never given the space to fail, to pick themselves up and become resilient adults?

Pema Chodron goes on to say that often we use compassion in a way that is harmful to others.

“Instead of offering a friend medicine, bitter though it may be when ingested, you feed them more poison at the very least, you don’t take it away from them”

What Pema Chodron is illustrating here is when we don’t say the truth in case we hurt someone, we don’t offer them what they really need and so we are not helping, we are just making it worse. This she says is not compassion, it is selfishness as we are more concerned about our own feelings than our friends. Real compassion requires courage, it is not about being a doormat, sometimes compassion requires you to stand for what is right. Look at people such as Gandhi, Martin Luther Kind and Nelson Mandela, they are examples of compassion in action.

Compassion and Mindfulness - The Stable Mind

Buddhism is often called the middle way, we learn to live with what is at any given time as best we can because it is the only moment that truly exists. As Mindfulness has it’s roots in Buddhism, we could say that it is also the practice of living “the middle way”. In other words, we live moment to moment, we don’t chase distractions such as short term pleasures and we seek happiness through a stable mind.

A stable mind is one that is not easily stirred by external events, it is a mind that even if thrown out of balance for a while, it comes back to a peaceful state relatively quickly. A stable mind doesn’t get lost in stories, it let’s them go without a struggle.

Someone with a stable mind knows when to say no, when to walk away and when a hard truth needs to be said. A really compassionate person doesn’t mind losing a friend in order to help them because real compassion isn’t about how we feel, it’s about what the other person needs.

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You should just go for it?

It is very much my moto in life “You should just go for it”, however I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m not too sure it’s always the best moto. Why? Because if you are not careful, just going for it can also be reckless and I have to admit I think at times in my life I’ve been pretty reckless.

Now being reckless isn’t always such a bad thing, it can make life interesting and unpredictable but at the same time it can also mean that life has no planned direction.

What does this have to do with Mindfulness? Well often we see Mindfulness as living moment to moment and that of course is pretty much mindful living, except as a friend keeps reminding me,

“dreams without a plan are just dreams”

If we are to create a life that is based on our values and dreams we must also have a forward looking perspective. This can sound very much opposed to living mindfully but in fact it isn’t. To be focused on creating a meaningful life, one that will be fulfilling and content is a noble aspiration. And the trick isn’t to live in the future, it is to have that vision whilst being able to stay very much in the present moment.

Dreams - Aspirations - Living in the Moment

I'm currently based in a school in London, a very challenging one at that and what I’m noticing is a little worrying. Our young people are living almost completely for the future and whilst that is of course healthy for young people, what is missing is a sense of reality and presence in the now.

Dreams and aspirations are unrealistic because they are based on what young people are seeing on social media, their “heroes” are people who are living materialistic lives that are not deeply happy. What I mean by that is that their happiness is completely reliant on materialistic gain which is never going to bring lasting happiness. It is so fragile that to base a lifetime ambition on materialistic wealth is unhealthy.

I guess we owe it to the young generation to show them that sometimes being content with the simple things in life is a real aspiration that can bring lasting happiness. And of course to help them see that happiness is not something external, it is a mindset that is very undervalued.

Should you just go for it?

Of course I would never advocate a life lived always on the safe side, that would go against my values. Perhaps finding a happy medium is best. Or perhaps thinking about calculated risk rather than just going for it. Have a plan, meditate on it, check how it feels in your body when you think about whatever it is you are contemplating doing and always have a plan.

I guess it’s never too late to learn, I’m still learning every day but this time trying to do it without jumping into the deep end without a life vest!

Thanks to a close friend, I now have a new moto:

“I don’t have dreams, I have plans”

A Day in the Life of a Secondary School Teacher

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This week I had the opportunity to spend a day in a local secondary school. It felt a little strange returning to the classroom after four years and to be honest I was dreading it!

My mind was buzzing over the weekend, worried that I’d lose control of the class and there would be mayhem. However, I guess teaching is like riding a bike, once you’re in that classroom, you just know what you have to do. So it went relatively well, the mind stories were wrong again.

The first two lessons were year 9 Maths, not my specialist subject or my strongest but you just have to get on with it. When I first saw my timetable for the day I was a little worried, I mean year 9’s? I’ve often said they are the most challenging year group, a kind of limbo year, not quite keystage 3 or 4, just there preparing for when things get really serious!

It’s interesting to watch young people as they walk into a class, notice their normal teacher isn’t there and then start working out how they should behave with this random stranger. This is when it’s absolutely crucial to make sure you as the teacher gain control because if you don’t have them in the first few moments, it’s very difficult to bring it back. Lesson learned from working in a special measures school for many years, nip it in the bud before it gets too hard to control. Both classes went well considering my freshness in the classroom or maybe the students didn’t notice, I’m guessing they didn’t otherwise I’d have been slaughtered!

In lesson three I had a year 10 group (ages 14 to 15 year olds). Now I felt there was a little heightened energy with this group. They just returned from their first break of the day, probably starting to tire after a couple of lessons and all the other dynamics that are in play for a teenager at school.

What’s Mindfulness Got to Do with It?

Here I was in a classroom full of hyped up teenagers, feeling slightly vulnerable when one of the young ladies asked me what I do when I’m not teaching. I explained that I teach Mindfulness and she asked if I would show them how to meditate. And that’s exactly what I did. I guided them through the posture process and asked them to close their eyes. Some were very up for it, others were a little self conscious. We only spent a couple of minutes doing a short breathing practice. I certainly needed it and from the comments, the students said it helped. Well the lesson was much calmer after, so it was worth doing.

I continued the day with year 7’s (11 to 12 year olds) who were a little lively but by that time I’d pretty much settled back into the familiar role.

By the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted, as I was driving home I wondered how I had managed to do that for almost a decade, along with having three children of my own to look after. And I renewed my respect to all those adults who work day in and day out with our amazing but often challenging young people.

Whats more, I confirmed my belief in our young people who are mostly kind, thoughtful and well behaved. However I was also reminded just how easy it is for young people to be influenced and led into behaving against their own better judgement so they can to fit in. It is precisely because of this that we need to support teachers to do their jobs as best as they can. We need to support our school leaders to lead without having to look over their shoulders constantly. And we must ensure our young people can learn and flourish in a safe environment.

The Life of a Teacher

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Sometimes I wonder if there are many jobs more stressful than teaching? A teacher isn’t just someone who turns up for an hour to teach in a class, in reality a teacher has many roles. They must be master planners, each lesson must be appropriate for each group at the same time as being personalised for the varying abilities, special needs and progress capabilities. Then throw in behaviour management, I’m going to say this is probably one of the most challenging roles because children are children, each with their own personalities, emotions and family life. Oh and these young people know how to play the rules, so a teacher has to be on guard to stick to the rules or be ready to be challenged!

Teachers are held to account by their line manager, senior leadership, Ofsted inspectors and parents. I can think of a few professions that could do with such scrutiny but don’t have anything close to it.

Then teachers have to be kind and understanding, even if they are being challenged or just plain tired. And for the most part, teachers are good at what they do.

Mindfulness made all the Difference

What I noticed was how different I was on the day. My attitude made all the difference, my constant awareness of how I was speaking, moving and projecting, mindful self awareness. This is where Mindfulness comes in, the ability to self regulate throughout the day so your own stress levels do not increase and are kept in balance. If teachers can help themselves to stay still inside, then the outer environment is easier to handle and that’s got to be a better way to be throughout the day.

Do you want to bring Mindfulness into your school? Find out more on our Mindfulness in Schools page or get in touch to discuss how we can help.

Can Mindfulness help improve Mental Health?

Mental Health is has been given a lot of exposure recently, its being covered in the media and even government policy. But do we really understand mental health?

What is Mental Health?

We all have mental health, it’s just the other side of physical health, sometimes we refer to it as emotional health or well being. We all suffer from poor mental health at some point in our life, it is natural, just like breaking a leg or getting the flu; we are all susceptible to injury and illness, physically and mentally.

Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also harder to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden. It is easier to say “my tooth is aching” than to say “my heart is broken” - C.S Lewis

There is no single cause for mental illness, it can be biological, psychological, environmental or a combination.

What does Poor Mental Health Feel and Look like?

This is where the lines blur, how do we identify poor mental health, when do we attach the label “illness?”

Some may show signs of declining mental health through a change in personality, how they process thoughts and interact with others. Often there is no outward signs, it is easily concealed, for others it is very outwardly expressed.

Poor mental health affects how we feel about ourselves and people around us. It influences our ability to make and keep friends and relationships. It hinders our ability to learn from others and to develop psychologically and emotionally.

Of course much of this is subjective, how do we really know if someone is “mentally ill” or if it is just their character? It is hard if not impossible to accurately diagnose mental illness. Our views of mental health have changed so much over history; there were times when a woman was “insane” for disobeying her husband. Therefore mental illness is still very much undiscovered and likely to change as we evolve.

How we treat Mental Illness

Until recently the most common way to “treat” mental illness was by the use of drugs. One could argue that we are only treating the symptoms not the illness. We also have many other therapies such as counselling, psychotherapy and recovery programs. All beneficial in their own way, for some it works for others it doesn’t.

I am not my diagnosis

What I’ve always struggled with is the question; do we become our label? Growing up I challenged the labels people tried to impose on me, what purpose do labels have in establishing who we think we are? I’ve watched children I taught as a secondary school teacher be labelled “bright”, “slow”, “academically challenged” and the list goes on. I wonder how many of these children grew into their labels?

In my experience, I have found people who suffer from mental illness as very emotional, deep thinkers. Some are creative, expressive and think out of the norm. Look at how Einstein was described:

Einstein's primary-school teachers reported that the child had a powerful and lingering distaste of authority. Coupled with his late-developing speech, some medical professionals have suggested this behavior as symptomatic of either autism or Asperger's Syndrome. 

I am sure there is plenty of cases similar to Einstein. In society we see anything that is different as being a problem, even to the point that recently “disobedience” is being labelled as a mental health problem. That has got to be worrying?

Mindfulness and Mental Health

Finally we have come to a place of understanding that mental health needs a different approach. I won’t for a second suggest that Mindfulness is the cure for all mental health issues, nor will I say it’s appropriate for everyone. As we have already established, mental health is too personal too have a one fit solution for all.

These are the reasons that I think Mindfulness can help improve Mental Health:

“The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden” - C.S. Lewis

In Mindfulness we are taught to turn towards our pain. This can be extremely difficult for some and maybe even the first time that they are asked to do this. It is essential that when learning to practice Mindfulness you have an experienced practitioner to guide you, so that you can be supported to know when to turn towards and when to move to a different place when it gets too much. Mindfulness is a process of self regulation, at first we need someone to help us learn how.

Why turn towards our pain? - simply because when we pay attention to it, give it room to do what it needs to do, it can also begin to dissolve. This doesn’t mean it goes away, it just becomes less of an issue. We learn to be with it in a different way.

You can’t tell just by looking at someone what they are dealing with inside - Danielle Rupp

Mental Health is such a personal experience that the only real way to improve it is to work on ourselves. This can be really difficult for someone in the grips of a mental health problem and I guess this is where the use of drugs may help, temporarily in any case. Mindfulness is about self-discovery, self-acceptance and strengthening inner resilience. Through our Mindfulness practice we learn to accept that life isn’t going to always go our way, we learn to accept our failings and befriend what we see as our weaknesses.

In short, Mindfulness is coming to terms with the fact that we are only human

The practice of Mindfulness teaches us to pay attention, to see for ourselves what we are doing and why. With this increased awareness we start to take steps to change our behaviours, we can see and therefore we can do something about it.

The deepest pain I ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable

What would happen if you suddenly accepted yourself just as you are? What if you could start to be kind to yourself? - this is what we learn through the practice of Mindfulness.

You cannot recover from anxiety by just staying calm

Some people are under the impression that Mindfulness is about learning to stay calm and relaxing. I’d argue that this is the biggest misconception. To learn to relax is a temporary feeling, useful at times but not life changing. It may help to stop the anxiety taking over but it won’t stop the anxiety.

Mindfulness is a practice that can greatly enhance how we live our life. It takes time and commitment to cultivate a moment to moment awareness of what we are doing, when we are doing it. We have to learn and apply Mindfulness practices, not for a day or a week but for the rest of our life. And in a society that is used to quick fixes, this doesn’t always sound ideal.

However if we really are serious about mental health, if we really want to learn how to live in a world that is constantly changing, to take better care of ourselves and be content, then perhaps it’s time to make a bigger commitment to ourselves?

If you want to know how we can help you bring Mindfulness into your life, school or workplace, please do get in touch.

Resilience is the key to happiness

If I asked you what you want most in life, I’m going to guess you would say something like, to be happy. It’s certainly what I would say, I think it’s the one thing that universally connects us all, this desire to be happy.

Why is happiness difficult to achieve?

Well to me the answer is simple. When happiness is reliant on external factors such as materialistic things or other people, then it can not be controlled. We can have moments of happiness but as soon as that external element changes or we lose it, then we are no longer happy.

It is therefore fundamental to our well-being that we strengthen our internal world so that we have the capacity to make ourselves happy. Does the fact that happiness is something you can create seem alien to you?

In her book The Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware lists one regret as “I wish I had given myself permission to be happy”. If happiness is in our control, then that’s good news because at any given time you can give ourselves permission to be happy. Is now a good time to do that, if not now, when?

What’s the missing ingredient?

I’ve come to see myself as a teacher of resilience rather than of Mindfulness because to me resilience is the key to happiness. If life is going to throw challenges at us at any given time, if we have no idea what is around the corner, then surely we need to build our inner resilience so we can weather each storm?

People often come to Mindfulness in pursuit of happiness, to find a way to stop the pain and suffering in their life. Sometimes they think all they need to do is to learn how to relax and I often see their disappointment when I tell them Mindfulness isn’t about that. Relaxation is a temporary feeling, it easily lost as soon as something we don’t want or like comes our way.

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.

To be resilient is to have the strength to pick yourself up when you fall, to keep picking yourself up, to not give up or to stay stuck in pain and suffering. Resilience is an inner strength.

We need resilience in all areas of our life, personal, intimate, work and leisure. Difficulties and challenges will come and go, it’s a fact of life. Because of that, I prefer to teach people how to be resilient, that is my type of Mindfulness.

How to become more resilient

Let Yourself Fail

The bad news about resilience is that we need to fall to learn how to pick ourselves up, we need to know what pain is to find a way to heal and we need to know how to fail to learn how to succeed. If we avoid failure, we are in fact avoiding what helps us become resilient.

The strongest people are usually the ones that have had to endure the most suffering. Look at history, the people who have left a mark on us are people like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela. They had to develop immense resilience to survive. Not only did they survive, they thrived through their challenges.

Accept Change

You can bet that something good is right around the corner just as much as we know the opposite is also a possibility. If things are not how you want them to be at this moment, then luckily you know it’s going to change because nothing stays the same. Wouldn’t it be better to accept that change is happening all the time and to stop trying to control everything around you? Instead focus on strengthening your inner resilience so you can pick yourself up when things are not going as you wish, then you are not easily knocked by life.

Challenge Yourself

This is one of my favourites. When I notice I’m a little scared of something, then that’s when I know I must do it. The more I challenge myself the easier it becomes. Nothing is ever as bad as our mind makes us believe. I remember when I first took a jet ski lesson and the instructor left me on my own in the open sea (or ocean!), the waves were high and rough. I thought I’d fall in and not be able to get myself out. I remember the instructor saying “the slower you go the less stability you have” so I had to make a choice. Go slow and lose control or rev up the engine and see what happens. To my surprise although I was scared, it felt pretty good!

I guess this reflects life, we can hold the break and live life safely or we can let go and live life regardless of fear. It is our decision.

Mindfulness and Resilience

Mindfulness helps us develop our resilience in three steps:

  1. We become aware of our inner talk and begin to see our limiting thoughts.

  2. Then we notice our patterns of behaviour which are our learned reactions. Note I say reactions because we are not usually aware of them.

  3. Once we become aware of our limiting thoughts and reactions, we can change. Using Mindfulness practices to respond rather than react.

Mindfulness gives us the tools we need to self regulate and develop our inner resilience. And then we can take charge of our life.

If you want to know more about our approach to Mindfulness for your personal life, work or general well-being please do get in touch.

Mindfulness is Not What You Think

You would think that with all the exposure that Mindfulness has been receiving in the recent years that there would be a better understanding of what it is, however there continues to be a misunderstanding. Most grasp the conceptual idea of Mindfulness but are unable to fully understand the actual state of mind that is cultivated through Mindfulness. The reason for this is that Mindfulness is an experiential practice, it is felt and experienced rather than understood.

Words such as awareness, awake or conscious, can better describe Mindfulness. Often people associate Mindfulness with spirituality or something mystical. Mindfulness is not religious in any form, even though it is often linked to Buddhism. In fact Mindfulness is simply a tool for reconnecting fully with life.

As Jon Kabat Zin puts it “you can’t control the waves but you can learn to surf”, that is exactly the point. Mindfulness helps us to live with ease in a world that is constantly changing, where we have no idea what is around the corner and therefore can not control it.

If we can learn to live with a sense of acceptance of how life really is rather than how we want it to be, then we can protect ourselves from unnecessary pain and suffering. That is the whole point of being mindful, to learn to surf the waves, not to control them.

Some people could interpret Mindfulness to be apathetic, passive and hippy like. Actually it’s quite the opposite. If we let go of controlling what is out of our control, then we can focus on working with what we can change. Through mindful awareness we can change our own negative thoughts, behaviours and habits and this is how we change our life. We move from trying to change external things, people and situations, to changing ourselves. Of course that may very well have an impact on our external world, actually it probably will, but we start with working on us. And we do this with kindness and acceptance of who we are without harsh, judgement.

To cultivate this kind of self awareness we need to befriend our thoughts, feelings and emotions, not fight or aggravate them. Through Mindfulness we become the observer, we watch and listen to our every move, thought and feeling. We may experience a peaceful moment amongst that constant chatter in the mind and its at those times that we gain important insights.

Meditation is often confused with Mindfulness:

Whilst meditation is an important part of Mindfulness it is only one way of becoming mindful. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us that Mindfulness is experienced by consciously bringing our attention to the present moment, though the body, as we go about our everyday life.

It is not necessary to take yourself to a special place to practice Mindfulness, life is our practice. We bring our attention to whatever we are doing at that moment, while washing the dishes we can check where our mind is and bring it back to the task in hand. When we sit to eat, we pay attention to our food, to it’s smell, taste, texture and what it looks like.

I guess the question is, why? What benefit is there in constantly checking in on ourselves? Well the simple answer is that most of the time we are running on autopilot, we just keep doing, we let the day and years pass us by without really being in our own life. Our relationships suffer because we are not really present for our loved ones, our work becomes overwhelming because we are not paying attention to being lost in doing without taking necessary time to breath. Our health suffers because our senses close down, we rarely really see, smell, hear, sing, laugh, truly live.

Some people come to Mindfulness because of a wake up call, I certainly found Mindfulness because my world fell apart and I needed a way to cope better. And from my experience as a Mindfulness teacher, people come to Mindfulness to ease their pain and suffering.

So how do we practice Mindfulness? Try these simple practices:

Mindfulness with Others:

One way to practice is to make a conscious effort to pay real attention to someone, perhaps your partner or child. I do it when I’m with my grandchildren. Really sit with them, listen to what they are saying, watch their gestures, movements, look at their hair, clothes. The point isn’t to judge it’s to observe, to give them your full attention. And from this you may find you have a changed perception or deeper understanding of who they are.

Mindfulness of Eating or Drinking:

Decide that this meal or with this drink, you will pay attention to textures, flavours, colours and smells. Really look at your food or drink, take your time to sense the different flavours. Awaken your senses, stay in the moment. Bring your attention back to the task at hand if you wonder off. See how your experience is different that normal.

Mindfulness in the City:

Our city life can give us plenty of opportunities to practice Mindfulness. While standing in a queue at the supermarket, perhaps instead of future thinking you can take it as a time to watch others, to start to feel how your own body is reacting to your impatience. Take your focus down to your feet firmly planted on the ground. What’s going on in your mind? Are you making to do lists or going over a story of something that happened in the past? Pay attention to your surroundings, come out of your mind and take in whatever is going on at that moment. Here you are learning about yourself, connecting with your body and developing the ability to stay in the moment whatever the conditions are.

If you need help to bring Mindfulness into your life, then why not sign up to one of our courses locally or get some one to one Mindfulness online?