I'm not Perfect and that's OK
I've had a challenging few months, mostly caused by my own habitual behaviours. And believe me I know I am not perfect, I have much work to do on myself. The habits I am referring to are not the ones we commonly recognise, such as unhealthy eating or lack of exercise. I'm talking about the thinking mind habits, the unguarded thoughts, emotions and behaviours that lead us into painful situations. In Mindfulness, we learn that our thoughts are just habits, rarely fresh and new, primarily based on our past experiences.
When we look at our behaviours we can clearly see the routines and habits that we have become accustomed to and even if we know they are harmful, they comfort us because they are familiar. This is precisely why we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting change even though we know this doesn't work. To break a habit, we have to change the thought patterns that trigger these habits. In neuroscience, this is called "re-wiring" the brain. In Mindfulness this is exactly what we are trying to achieve, a new pathway for our new and better habits to follow.
Portia Nelson's poem "There's a hold in my sidewalk" covers this perfectly.
"I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost.....I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hold in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down another street."
"I see it is there, I still fall in. It's a habit!"
How many times have you felt something is not right but still gone ahead, I certainly can speak from experience on this one. For some of us, this is particularly the case when it comes to our relationships. We habitually allow others into our lives even though we know they are not deserving or right for us. We give our time to others when we are more than aware of the pain this ongoing relationship causes us. We do this because often this is all we know, our habits from childhood continue until we change the way we think, until we take another road.
For real change to happen we have to start to develop our awareness of our habitual thoughts and behaviours, so we can stop before we act or react. We have to learn to walk down a different road.
"If I have no pain, I'll never long for freedom" - Pema Chodron
We need to do it differently over and over until we replace old habits with new, healthier ones. At first this is difficult because we have to be aware, then make a commitment to change. It takes effort and a longing to be free from pain, from self inflicted pain. And we can do this by first changing our attitude.
Three Attitudes to Breaking Free from Old Habits:
Pain has its virtues: Remember that when things are not going as we wish, we can value the lesson and grow from the pain.
Stop looking externally for happiness: Stop chasing that a new job, the new relationship, look at what you can give yourself. And remember NOW is the only reality.
A stable mind is a free mind: Be careful who and what you let into your life, develop inner strength so you are happy whatever is happening externally.