If I asked you what you want most in life, I’m going to guess you would say something like, to be happy. It’s certainly what I would say, I think it’s the one thing that universally connects us all, this desire to be happy.
Why is happiness difficult to achieve?
Well to me the answer is simple. When happiness is reliant on external factors such as materialistic things or other people, then it can not be controlled. We can have moments of happiness but as soon as that external element changes or we lose it, then we are no longer happy.
It is therefore fundamental to our well-being that we strengthen our internal world so that we have the capacity to make ourselves happy. Does the fact that happiness is something you can create seem alien to you?
In her book The Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware lists one regret as “I wish I had given myself permission to be happy”. If happiness is in our control, then that’s good news because at any given time you can give ourselves permission to be happy. Is now a good time to do that, if not now, when?
What’s the missing ingredient?
I’ve come to see myself as a teacher of resilience rather than of Mindfulness because to me resilience is the key to happiness. If life is going to throw challenges at us at any given time, if we have no idea what is around the corner, then surely we need to build our inner resilience so we can weather each storm?
People often come to Mindfulness in pursuit of happiness, to find a way to stop the pain and suffering in their life. Sometimes they think all they need to do is to learn how to relax and I often see their disappointment when I tell them Mindfulness isn’t about that. Relaxation is a temporary feeling, it easily lost as soon as something we don’t want or like comes our way.
Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.
To be resilient is to have the strength to pick yourself up when you fall, to keep picking yourself up, to not give up or to stay stuck in pain and suffering. Resilience is an inner strength.
We need resilience in all areas of our life, personal, intimate, work and leisure. Difficulties and challenges will come and go, it’s a fact of life. Because of that, I prefer to teach people how to be resilient, that is my type of Mindfulness.
How to become more resilient
Let Yourself Fail
The bad news about resilience is that we need to fall to learn how to pick ourselves up, we need to know what pain is to find a way to heal and we need to know how to fail to learn how to succeed. If we avoid failure, we are in fact avoiding what helps us become resilient.
The strongest people are usually the ones that have had to endure the most suffering. Look at history, the people who have left a mark on us are people like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela. They had to develop immense resilience to survive. Not only did they survive, they thrived through their challenges.
You can bet that something good is right around the corner just as much as we know the opposite is also a possibility. If things are not how you want them to be at this moment, then luckily you know it’s going to change because nothing stays the same. Wouldn’t it be better to accept that change is happening all the time and to stop trying to control everything around you? Instead focus on strengthening your inner resilience so you can pick yourself up when things are not going as you wish, then you are not easily knocked by life.
This is one of my favourites. When I notice I’m a little scared of something, then that’s when I know I must do it. The more I challenge myself the easier it becomes. Nothing is ever as bad as our mind makes us believe. I remember when I first took a jet ski lesson and the instructor left me on my own in the open sea (or ocean!), the waves were high and rough. I thought I’d fall in and not be able to get myself out. I remember the instructor saying “the slower you go the less stability you have” so I had to make a choice. Go slow and lose control or rev up the engine and see what happens. To my surprise although I was scared, it felt pretty good!
I guess this reflects life, we can hold the break and live life safely or we can let go and live life regardless of fear. It is our decision.
Mindfulness and Resilience
Mindfulness helps us develop our resilience in three steps:
We become aware of our inner talk and begin to see our limiting thoughts.
Then we notice our patterns of behaviour which are our learned reactions. Note I say reactions because we are not usually aware of them.
Once we become aware of our limiting thoughts and reactions, we can change. Using Mindfulness practices to respond rather than react.
Mindfulness gives us the tools we need to self regulate and develop our inner resilience. And then we can take charge of our life.