If we really understood the true meaning of love, it would save us from a lot of needless suffering. Perhaps if we knew what real love is we would stop chasing after it? Love can’t be found, it’s always present, always inside us, there is no need to look for it, there is no lacking of love.
Of course, this may not be how we grew up thinking about love. We have these fantastical notions about love and this one special person that will give us the love we need. If we think about it then maybe we will finally see that love is a feeling, an emotion, it is not static.
Love should not cause us pain, it should not be hard work and it should not keep us trapped. Love is supposed to be quite the opposite, yet look around you and see how we all suffer from love. What causes our pain is not love itself, it’s forcing love and clinging to it like if we let go, we will lose something that belongs to us.
What true love isn’t
When I think of love I bring to mind my children and grandchildren because the love I have for them is unconditional. Over time I’ve learned that for me to be the mother my children need, I must give them the space to grow and be who they need to be. I cannot stop them evolving, experimenting, making mistakes and even doing what I think is wrong. It is not my life to live. Just because I gave them life does not mean it’s my life or that they belong to me.
That doesn’t mean as a parent we can't give advice, offer our experience and more importantly model the behaviour we would like our children to take on. But ultimately, they are free to live as they wish, we have no real control. So we must be there to offer love unconditionally, giving our children complete freedom to live their lives. Not to live for us, to please us or to fill the voids we should be filling ourselves.
Romantic or Intimate Love?
This love thing becomes a bit sticky when it’s between two people who share a “romantic” love or an “intimate” love. Actually, the two are not the same in any way. One can have intimate love without the need for a romantic relationship. This is something that many of us become totally confused about. Intimacy in our society is constantly portrayed in a negative way, in a dirty way, leading to so much confusion. Dare we even mention the word “sex” without sniggers, blushing, turning away and total misunderstanding?
These lyrics from Alicia Keys song War really highlights just how messed up we are:
If war is holy and sex is obscene
We've got it twisted in this lucid dream
Baptized in boundaries, schooled in sin
Divided by difference, sexuality and skin
Such poignant words. We easily send our armies to kill but dare not speak the truth about “love”
"Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison"
Osho was a highly influential spiritual teacher who had many followers and was published by over 200 publishers worldwide, in over 60 languages. His teachings have had a huge impact in the West. He believed that traditional belief systems, religious traditions, and socialisation have caused us to suppress our awareness, our ability to truly love and our creativity, courage and humour.
He spoke in detail about real love, his teachings challenging us to review our perception of love and relationships, not to say they are both exclusively related.
Love can exist outside of a relationship and relationships exist with an absence of real love
In one teaching, Osho talks about “immature people falling in love, destroying each other’s freedom” He goes on to say that mature people in love help each other to be free, they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when mature people are in love, their love flows with freedom. He goes on to say that
when love flows with dependence there is ugliness.
A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. They do not have a back bone, the spine; they don’t have the integrity to stand alone.
A mature person has the integrity to stand alone.
And when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it. When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.
Mature Love in the West
Inspite of all our education, wealth and supposed progress, we have forgotten how to truly love, in favour of ownership and selfishness. We want our needs fulfilled, we need to fit into society and so must be just like the rest. We must have our “special” relationship otherwise we are misfits. We fear all the negativity that comes with being solo, the being seen as lonely or perhaps not even good enough to have a full-time partner. One that we can show to our friends, "look at me I'm good enough to catch a man (or woman)!"
Do people that choose to live a solo life make others feel uncomfortable? What if people understood that some of us choose freedom, total freedom to do as we wish, when we wish without having to ask for permission? That it is not lonely to stand alone, or to give without any strings attached.
People go about their lives with a desire for freedom, yet their actions go completely against creating this freedom in their lives. They work hard at a job, chase after people to bring meaning into their life whilst becoming more and more trapped. And believe me I speak from experience, not from judgment.
What would happen if we could stop clinging, learn to let go and open up to the unfolding of our lives? For me, this is mindful living, a total trust in life unfolding whilst living in the moment.